I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
