if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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