she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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