i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
