All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
