She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
