I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
