I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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