This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
