Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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