he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
