as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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