seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
