I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
