end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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