Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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