Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I fill condoms, not promises.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
