I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
