direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
