I must be too annoying 4 u.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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