Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube