I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it