This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?