So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
