my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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