I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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