So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
