At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
