when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
