I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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