Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
