You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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