remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
