Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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