Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
