It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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