I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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