nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
