Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
