I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
