: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
