So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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