Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
