i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
