If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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