I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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