I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
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I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
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Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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