a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think I am morally bankrupt
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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