there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
