When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
