They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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