Dude my mom stole all your condoms
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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