What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
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got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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