The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
