anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
