happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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