i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
