she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
